Learning to Hold More: The Skill No One Teaches You
Why You Keep Pulling Back Right When Things Are Going Well
There’s a pattern I see all the time—especially with high-achieving, thoughtful, self-aware people. Things start going well. You feel clear. Focused. Maybe even… good. Work is clicking. Relationships feel steady. You’re following through on things you’ve been putting off. And then, almost out of nowhere, something shifts.
You start overthinking.
You procrastinate.
You feel anxious or unsettled.
You question everything.
Or you subtly pull back from the very things that were working.
The Pattern No One Talks About
We tend to believe that once things start improving, they should just… continue. But growth doesn’t usually work like that. There’s often a moment—right when things begin to feel easier, more aligned, or more successful—where your system hits a kind of invisible ceiling. And instead of continuing forward, you feel the urge to retreat.
This can look like:
Creating unnecessary stress or pressure
Picking apart something that was working
Losing focus or consistency
Feeling “off” without a clear reason
It’s subtle. But it’s powerful.
What’s Actually Happening
In The Big Leap, this is described as the Upper Limit Problem.
The idea is simple: We all have a certain level of success, ease, and well-being that we feel comfortable with.
When we move beyond that level—even in a positive direction—our system tries to bring us back to what feels familiar. Not because you don’t want growth. Not because you’re doing something wrong.
But because unfamiliar—even when it’s good—can feel unsafe.
How This Shows Up in Real Life
This isn’t just a mindset concept. It shows up clinically, too.
You might notice:
Anxiety increasing when things feel uncertain or when they start going well
Cycles of pushing hard, then burning out
Difficulty maintaining progress, even when you know what works
Tension in relationships when things feel stable or close
It’s not a lack of discipline. It’s a limit on what your system is used to holding.
This Isn’t Self-Sabotage
I’m careful with that term. Because labeling it as “self-sabotage” can create shame—and shame doesn’t help you move forward. A more useful way to understand it is this: Your system is trying to return to what feels normal. And once you can see that clearly, you can start to work with it instead of against it.
Expanding Your Capacity to Hold What’s Good
The goal isn’t to push harder. It’s to increase your capacity to stay present when things are going well.
That might look like:
Noticing the moment you start to pull back
Catching it early is everythingAllowing things to feel good without questioning them
Even a few extra seconds of “this is okay” mattersStaying steady instead of reacting
Especially when the urge is to overcorrect or withdrawRegulating your nervous system
(This is where simple breathwork can be incredibly powerful)
Growth isn’t just about doing more.
It’s about becoming someone who can hold more—more ease, more success, more stability—without needing to disrupt it.
A Different Way to Look at “Losing Momentum”
If you’ve felt frustrated with yourself for starting and stopping, for gaining traction and then losing it…
It may not be a motivation problem.
It may not even be a clarity problem.
It may be that you’re right at the edge of your current capacity.
And that edge?
That’s actually where the real work begins.
When Support Makes a Difference
If you recognize this pattern in yourself, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Understanding how this shows up in your thinking, your behavior, and your nervous system can make a significant difference in how you move forward.
Whether that’s through therapy, building more awareness around your patterns, or learning how to regulate your system more effectively—there are ways to expand this capacity in a sustainable way.
If you’ve been building momentum and struggling to maintain it, it may not be about pushing harder—it may be about learning how to stay when things start to work.